June 15, 2010

This week’s tip on great step-parents are consultants was sent via email by Charles Fay, Ph.D. a child psychologist and one of the founders of the Love and Logic® institute, on June 9, 2010.

Great Step-parents are Consultants

I'm often asked the following question by step-parents:

"When can I begin to start disciplining my step-children when they misbehave?"

Here's my response:

It's more a matter of how we discipline than when we ought to begin.

Successful step-parents understand that the Love and Logic Consultant style of parenting allows them to begin establishing themselves as loving authority figures from day one.

Consultant parents (and step-parents):

• Set limits with the purpose of taking good care of themselves-rather than bossing the kids around.

  For example: "I'll be happy to drive you places when I don't have to listen to fighting in the back seat."

• Provide consequences with the purpose of taking good care of themselves-rather than getting even with the kids.

  For example: "This is so sad. You scraped the side of my car with your bike. How are you planning to pay for getting that fixed?"

• Provide consultation services instead of issuing orders.

  For example: "Some kids decide to sell some of their stuff to pay for the damage. Others decide to do some extra chores. Which would work best for you?"

• Have a healthy and positive problem-solving attitude.

  Their entire persona says, "Hey kids, everybody makes mistakes. When your mistakes cause problems for me, I'm going to ask you to solve them. I'll also be willing to give you some ideas about how to solve them. In this way, everybody wins."

In his classic CD, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants, my father describes three parenting styles and the messages they send. Considering the characteristics of Consultant step-parents listed above, is it any wonder that those with this style get far more cooperation and respect from their step-kids?

Thanks for reading!

Dr. Charles Fay